Aditi Sharif:
Recently, when I decided to log in to social media, the news and posts related to the unfortunate suicide of Palash Saha frequently appeared. A few days ago, Palash Saha, who was an ASP in the Bangladesh Police, committed suicide. Then it was revealed that one of the major factors behind this was the complicated relationship between his mother and his young spouse. After this discovery, people on social media spontaneously started bashing both the mother and the spouse.
The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has always been portrayed as problematic in the Indian Subcontinent. While it can be considered a stereotypical and generalized representation, we can observe these conflicts recurrently in our society. When I asked some of my female acquaintances about the relationship, they all said that it was impossible to have a good relationship between a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law. I do know that we can find a lot of exceptions to these. However, I am much more curious about the underlying reasons behind such conflicts. In this regard, I remember watching one Bengali movie named “Mukherjee Dar Bou,” which explores the complex dynamics of the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law of a middle-class household. Unlike the dramas and movies on household relationships, it didn’t portray any character in a completely negative way. Rather, the movie illustrated the hidden scars of women.
The movie begins with the demise of the husband of the mother-in-law. She suffered from the loneliness, and it further complicated her relationship with her daughter-in-law. While her daughter-in-law didn’t pay attention to such complications, she decided to take her to a psychologist when things got worse. The sessions that they took with the psychologist made them aware of their deprivations. While these helped them feel empathetic towards each other, they also made them realize that it was society that made their lives much more difficult.
In a patriarchal society, ideal women are often expected to confine themselves to their households. They are told to do household chores and bring up their children. A woman might have a career as a side hustle, but household management should be her main concern. Despite modern women are often trying to revolt against these rules, many women still need to sacrifice their dreams and careers to a great extent. Therefore, they are only identified as someone’s wife and mother. “Mukherjee Dar Bou” beautifully captures the story of two women whose identities are often associated with the male member of the household. The mother-in-law, who sacrificed all her dreams to be an ideal mother and wife, got afraid of losing her position and identity in the household to her daughter-in-law. For this reason, she strived to subordinate her daughter-in-law in many ways, just like the ways she had been deprived by her mother and mother-in-law. The same identity crisis also motivated the daughter-in-law to avoid the needs of the mother-in-law.
I am certain that we can’t generalize patterns of such conflicts, as each story is different from the others. However, it seems to me that the identity crisis that women have to suffer from in a patriarchal society is one of the major contributing factors behind such conflicts. Besides, the lack of structural policies for securing the lives of elderly people further complicates the situation.
In a patriarchal society like Bangladesh, female nature is often scrutinized. I can recall that some proverbs in Bengali literature indicate the jealous and inferior nature of women. However, it often seems to ignore the social realities behind these insecurities and behaviors. What an irony it is!
Author’s Biography:
Aditi Sharif is a Social Researcher, currently researching feminist discourses and migration. She is also a Volunteer Writer in the Women Chapter, English