Khadiza Khatun:
A Cultural legacy
In the dimly lit corners of psychoanalytic theory, Sigmund Freud once proposed the theory of Oedipus complex—the idea that a son harbors an unconscious attachment to his mother. Although Freud’s theories intervened from the Victorian parlors of Europe, there is an awful vivid resonance in the households of Bangladesh. However, in our context, the narrative has a unique twist: it is often the mother whose emotional survival becomes inextricably tethered to her son.
In a society where a woman’s identity is frequently subsumed by her roles as a wife and mother, the son becomes more than a child; he becomes his mother’s “emotional retirement plan” and her primary source of social validation. This dependency creates a psychological battleground when a third person enters the frame: the daughter-in-law.
The Architecture of Dependency: The “Surrogate Husband”
To understand the “toxic” mother-in-law, we must first look at the emotional vacuum of her past with empathy. Many Bangladeshi women of the older generation entered marriages that were transactional, patriarchal, or emotionally distant.
When a husband is unavailable—physically or emotionally—the mother pours her unmet needs into her son. This creates a Jocasta-like dynamic (the inverse of Oedipus), where the son is elevated to the status of an “emotional spouse.” He is her confidant, her protector, and her reason for living. While this looks like “pious motherly love” on the surface, it is often a form of emotional incest, where the child is burdened with the responsibility of his mother’s happiness.
The Root Cause: Stolen Youth and Demolished Dreams
The most critical factor in this cycle is the history of the mother herself. Many of these women were child brides, married off before they could understand their own potential. They were forced to “slaughter their dreams”—education, career, and personal identity—simply to survive the rigid structures of an early marriage.
When a woman is denied a life of her own, she seeks a “re-do” through her son. The moment her baby boy is born, he becomes the sun around which her entire universe revolves. She centralizes all her hopes, her unfulfilled ambitions, and her need for control onto him. Because she sacrificed everything for the marriage, she expects the son to be her ultimate compensation. This creates an unbearable weight of expectation: he is no longer just a son; he is the vessel for her stolen youth.
The Literary Mirror: The “Sons & Lover” Phenomenon
This dynamic was perfectly captured in D.H. Lawrence’s masterpiece, Sons and Lovers. The character Gertrude Morel, trapped in a miserable marriage, turns to her son, Paul, looking at him as a soul mate rather than a child.
In the Bangladeshi context, we see this “Sons & Lover” phenomenon play out daily. Much like Gertrude Morel, the Bangladeshi mother views the arrival of another woman not as a family expansion, but as a “hostile takeover” of the only person who makes her sacrifice feel worth it.
The Transformation: From Protector to Competitor
The wedding ceremony, while celebratory, often serves as the trigger for a psychological crisis. The mother-in-law begins to view the daughter-in-law (Bou) as a “Protiddondi” (Competitor). This competition manifests through:
* The Zero-Sum Game: The belief that any love or resources given to the wife is a direct theft from the mother’s “reward” for her years of sacrifice.
* Weaponized Vulnerability: Using “mysterious illnesses” or emotional breakdowns to ensure the son remains by the mother’s side.
* Domestic Gatekeeping: Criticizing the wife’s household management to prove to the son that he “still needs his mother.”
The Man in the Middle: The Oedipal Failure
The tragedy is sustained by the son’s inability to set boundaries. Raised in a culture that emphasizes “Dudh-er Rin” (The debt of the mother’s milk), the son feels a crushing sense of guilt. He is torn between the “virtuous mother” who killed her dreams for him and the “rightful wife” who demands a partner. By failing to draw a line, the son remains an “eternal child,” never fully transitioning into a husband.
A Path Toward Healing: Breaking the Cycle
We must move away from labelling these mothers as mere villains. They are victims of a system that traded their childhood for domestic servitude. However, empathy does not excuse toxicity. To break this cycle:
* Maternal Independence: Mothers must be encouraged to find identities outside of their sons.
* Ending Child Marriage: By allowing girls to fulfil their dreams, we ensure they don’t grow into women who rely on their sons for emotional survival.
* The Son’s Responsibility: The son must recognize that his wife is not his mother’s competitor, but his partner. He can respect his mother’s past without letting it dictate his wife’s future.
Killing the Ghosts of the Past
D.H. Lawrence’s Sons and Lovers end with a broken son because he never learned to live for himself. We must prevent this in Bangladesh. The “toxic mother-in-law” is a product of a woman who was never allowed to be anything else. By recognizing these patterns, we can begin to replace rivalry with companionship and build homes that are sanctuaries of love rather than battlegrounds of unfulfilled dreams.
About the writer:
“I am a writer, teacher and activist. My work explores the intersection of literary theory, psychoanalysis, and South Asian social structures. Focusing on the patriarchy, I challenge traditional domestic narratives to advocate for emotional autonomy and healthier family dynamics within the household.”