Invisible for good

Oishwaria Mukherjee:

Mountains or the beach?

Well here we go again.. the same set of questions. Favourite food, favourite music, the same shit with a different person.

If all goes well, you would probably ask me for a ride.

I am wearing my favourite black laced underwear. Not for you, but because I wanted to feel special tonight. Beneath it; miles of skin, soft, and naked. I wonder if you’re here to just touch my skin and not my soul. I would want you to look at my scars, both outside and deep deep inside. The one’s you can’t see are the kinds that I want to share with you. I want you to make me feel so comfortable, that I can speak with you even if we were under the starry night. By not saying a word, I want you to make me feel like we had the best conversation of our lives.

Here we are. In a diner. You ordered a double chocolate shake even without asking. Damn! I think I am in love. Yes, call me a hopeless romantic, but chocolate actually earns you brownie points. I start to feel my stomach twist, every time you looked at me and gave me that smile. I felt like finally someone could see me. Someone wanted to know how my day went, what is my favourite childhood game, what makes me smile and how much I love the sunsets. You open your phone and show me a picture you took by the mountains sometime back. My smile widens and I feel like I’m the luckiest girl in the world.

In my head, I am scared as fuck to try to get to like you. In the past, I have felt this way and I have been let down. I cannot let the same thing happen again. It would completely destroy me. I know the feeling of having a conversation and not thinking for a second. I know the feeling of being heard.

I was biting my lower lip. It’s something I do when I feel the butterflies. You were making my world swirl. After the diner, you were kind enough to offer me a ride home.

On the way back, you played my favourite track – Falling in love at a coffee shop. Your hand was on the gear and mine on yours. I was feeling comfortable. I felt like I could laugh in the wierdest way and that would still make you smile. I could imagine us having the “future home” we live in conversation in a few days. I could imagine me invisible no more!

You stopped at the side and without even saying a word, you shoved your hand right up my dress. Immediately, all that I was feeling, I felt no more. The butterflies, they were gone. I hated the way you touched me without my permission. I pushed and screamed. You could see that I hated it. Not for once did you ask if this was okay! Why didn’t you? Why were you behaving like this?

I knew I made the mistake again. I let this happen to me. I could have avoided it. I could have remained invisible.




Reproduced with the author’s permission, from her personal blog:

Oishwaria Mukherjee, who hails from Kolkata, India,  was born and brought up in Oman and is currently working for a consulting company in Kolkata. She completed her Bachelor of Commerce( degree from Ness Wadia College of Commerce, Pune, India. She is an optimist by nature and is passionate about educating, motivating and enabling herself and all those who know her to achieve self-actualization. She loves to write and draw in her spare time.
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