Aditi Sharif :
In her renowned essay “A Room of One’s Own”, Virginia Woolf once said, “A woman must have money and a room of her own, if she is to write fiction”. By saying this, she wanted to indicate the negative impacts of historical inequality that women had to suffer for centuries on women’s literature. Neither am I a writer, nor do I have such a capacity to write fiction. But her writings made me realize that if I want to lead a ‘dignified’ life, I will need to earn an autonomous space with some sort of economic independence. As an introverted woman with a little social capital, it was quite hard to navigate the strict job sector in Bangladesh. Additionally, graduating from an unpopular subject (my peers can get angry,
but it is so true), which doesn’t have a specific market in our country, the toxic and discriminative nature of the Bangladeshi academia and job sector made the persuasion a little bit harder. At first, all these things made me angry and frustrated. Later, these led me think broaden my horizon beyond national borders. More simply, I decided to pursue higher studies so that I can fully utilize my potential to lead a ‘dignified’ life.
When I decided to pursue higher studies, my parents happily agreed on the matter that I should pursue my dream no matter what it is. However, they were anxious about my security. Whoever met me could ensure the fact that their concerns were so legitimate, as I was so shy in person! The fact that I am gradually crossing the perfect bridal age of a Bangladeshi Muslim female. Therefore, they started to search for ‘suitable suitors’ for me. After a certain period, they found a couple of appropriate ‘suitors’ for my profile. When I rejected them, the first blow was awful. But eventually, they were convinced to see my dedication towards my goal, which was really rare! However, society didn’t forgive me for choosing myself over societal rules. And I became so self-conscious about the situation that I stopped going out. If I were destined to go anywhere, I always thought that people were talking about my stupidities and incapacities. At the same time, I was a victim of a kind of ‘heartbreak’ which made my situation more complicated. As a result of an inferiority complex and societal judgment, my mental health was destroyed, and I developed a hormonal imbalance. All these negative circumstances have a positive side too. These provided me unreasonable amount of dedication towards my aim. I literally stopped doing everything and was focused on my application.
After finishing my application, I was pretty sure that I would fail terribly because negativity already reigned in my mind by then. But the universe had a completely different plan. I was offered several offers from different universities in the U.S.A. After considering several factors like the subdiscipline, the prestige, and, of course, the amount of funding, I decided to accept one offer. It was my time to relax and reflect on a happy future. But I couldn’t do that for a long time. At that time, there was a rumour that the US government had become strict about providing student visas. As always, it terrified me, and I spent my time anxiously until my interview date. Surprisingly, the visa interview was smooth, and I got my visa to study my intended subject at the university that I chose.
That could be a happy ending, but it was not. As an international student, I needed to submit my immunization records and tests. In Bangladesh, there are multiple agencies that work to provide such services, in addition to hospitals. I went to a similar agency without realizing that they only do business in the name of service. They took a large amount of money and provided baffling fake test results without testing anything. Though the problem was resolved by retaking the tests in a legitimate hospital, these days were too terrible to lead. Would the people of our country who love to find business in everything ever understand the toil of the victims whose aspirations are at stake for them? Meanwhile, my mother’s health deteriorated. As a typical Bengali daughter, I never used to go to hospitals. But with the absence of my elder brother, who also migrated to the US recently, I took charge, and it eventually shook my motivation because at that time, I could understand that deciding to leave my own country could really increase the vulnerability of my parents, especially my mother. Those feelings washed all of my excitement away. Additionally, I have often been pointed out that I would lose the essence of my ethnic and religious identity due to the migration if I went there as a single woman. But I still decided to proceed. Because deep down, I knew how the dreams of my mother were entangled with my dream. That’s what generations of women in South Asia are trying to do. They continuously pave the way for their daughters within limited resources. It can be a simplified liberal feminist thought. But I love to think of it in that way.
Now I am sitting in a dorm room, which provides me with an autonomous space. If everything goes right, I can dedicate my next few years to acquiring knowledge without thinking about the finances. But at what cost do I need to achieve it? Here, every day starts with newer challenges. To resolve those challenges, I need to communicate with native people. Though they don’t appear to understand my ‘weird’ accent, they helped me a lot. Additionally, the unfamiliarity of their culture sometimes appeared shocking to me. All these situations are somehow managed by me. However, the thing that haunts me more is my little room that I left behind in Bangladesh, which knew my struggles. I know that I could return to the space later, but would I be the same person? What would I do with this ‘sense of loss’?
Despite all these despairs and identity crises, it is reassuring that I have finally started to navigate my own space in this world in my own terms. I have the privilege to take the path of my dream, which was carefully woven by her predecessors. May I continue my quest and contribute a little to the paths of our female youths!
Author’s Biography:
Aditi Sharif is a Social Researcher, currently researching feminist discourses and migration. She is also a Volunteer Writer in the Women Chapter, English