Maskwaith Ahsan:
Everyone at Pranoy Niketan wore a sombre expression. A women’s conference had just been conducted with remarkable success. The message had spread globally: Bangladesh has a favourable environment for realising women’s rights. As a result, the nine-month-long propaganda by Indian media—that without Hasina, the country would turn into Afghanistan—lost its steam. Meanwhile, Jaishankar had quite literally lost steam in Afghanistan. The world was witnessing how India, tethered to Israel and Afghanistan, was climbing the Everest of extremism.
At the gathering, Lalita Didi gifted Rati Agnihotri Dada a bottle of Patanjali cow urine. With a loud slurp, she exclaimed how barebacked girls had marched in a solidarity rally and were raising funds for using online apps, according to the Joyita League girls.
Agnihotri Dada snapped, “You people can’t even spin a narrative properly! Can’t you learn from Aaj Tak TV? Make a film called Rita Aur Sita and show what true chastity and devotion to one’s husband looks like!”
Lalita Didi chimed in, “Oh, there was a film titled Sati Nari’s Pati, but it did no good! I, for one, have spent my entire life with Kojak Dhananjay.”
In walked Brother Shariyat, carrying a bottle of Kafil’s sandar oil. His eyes and ears were red with rage.
—“What happened, Bhaiyu?”
—“What’s left to happen! At the solidarity rally, I saw placards saying: ‘We’re all whores, we’ll claim our share!’”
Agnihotri Dada slurped again and said, “Islam is finished! And what did you people do about it? With this kind of leniency, you’ll never come to power like the BJP. You’ll be stuck with two seats forever.”
Shibabrata Dada and Noyamat Bhai entered the room together. Shibabrata, bowing low in respect, said, “Oh Dada, that chewing gum you gave us? We’ve chewed it until it turned bitter!”
Agnihotri Dada replied, “Shibu, you have to keep chewing that Rajakar- Pro-Pakistan gum so that talk of 2024’s Awami collaborators and pro-India agenda doesn’t surface.”
Noyamat added awkwardly, “But Dada, my chewing gum is finished too.”
—“How can it be finished? Keep chewing the gum flavoured with Golam Azam’s Bangladesh and the national anthem written by a Hindu. That’ll let you stir the sentiment of the Liberation War. And anyone who gets in the way of chewing this gum, label them as pro-India. That’ll increase the number of so-called ‘pro-India’ people. If calling someone a Rajakar leads to slogans like ‘Who’s a Rajakar? I’m a Rajakar!’, and calling someone a whore sparks ‘We’re all whores!’, then soon enough, calling someone pro-India will lead to a chant of ‘We’re all pro-India!’ That’s how human psychology works, my brother.”
—“Still, don’t you have any new gum for us?”
—“Here you go: chew this new one called ‘Women’s Solidarity March: A Front for Awami Rehabilitation’. Say that America brought in transgender issues through conspiracy, and India slipped in indigenous demands. Wrap it up in confusion.”
Shariyat stared blankly.
Agnihotri Dada said, “Oh, Brother Shariyat, please make sure to share the videos of the few scantily dressed girls at the women’s conference—over and over again. That way, hijabi girls will get scared and start sharing it too, creating a ‘Us vs. Them’ narrative. If you can’t divide the 51% female population, how will you rule?”
Shibabrata whispered, “I saw a bearded man in a skullcap holding a poster in the madrasa demanding an end to rape.”
Agnihotri Dada panicked, “Posters from every angle—how did they manage this so well? Did they get American funding? Meanwhile, Trump is cosying up with Saudi Arabia. There’s no saving us now, Shibu! No saving us!”
Lalita Didi turned pale. “The Eid parade was inclusive. So was the Happiness Parade. And now this unofficial Women’s Solidarity March is also inclusive. Even female tea garden workers joined. And the media didn’t get a chance to sabotage it with chaotic questioning and half-baked soundbites. Except for specific women from the media centre, no one else spoke. A couple of raw journalists tried, but couldn’t inject controversy. Have we lost, Dada? Is our time truly over?”
—“Don’t worry so much. Just keep chewing the gum. You’ll see—our night stars still shine in the daylight.”
Maskwaith Ahsan: Political Satire writer and Activist
Editor’s Note:
The following article is a work of political satire. It reflects the personal views and style of the author and is intended to provoke thought and discussion around ongoing narratives in South Asia. The use of strong language and satire is deliberate and falls within the creative expression of the writer. While we recognise that some content may be challenging or provocative, we believe in protecting freedom of speech and diverse perspectives. As a platform, we do not necessarily endorse all opinions expressed in this piece, but we are committed to offering space for critical commentary and dialogue.